A wedding in the family!  Awesome news - my niece's daughter will be getting married to a wonderful guy on August 22, 2009!  I look forward to it.  Have you seen the beautiful wedding websites people have been creating?  You probably have.  I've just been out of the loop for a bit.

The Summer Solstice is fast approaching.  It's hard to believe.  At this time of the year, the long days can be really tiring, but it is beautiful.  Around 5:30 AM the birds start singing outside.  I sit up to see out the window that looks toward the east to get a look at the stars and planets still visible.  Today, Mercury, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and the Moon are visible, which is a breath-taking sight across the sky with the dim  golden light of the Sun steadily increasing it's presence.   Neptune and Uranus are up there, too, but I can't see them with the 'naked' eye.  I need a telescope!  Neptune is right next to Jupiter right now.  In fact, they're in the same degree of the sign Aquarius.  The planets are in conjunction.  The energies or vibes are blended which would be felt in an area of life corresponding with whichever house it occupies in a birth chart.  At it's best this is a conjunction of energies of growth, expansion, idealism, and transcendence.  Or handled in a way that is not too favorable it could signal a night of over-indulgence...drugs, drink, or whatever.  Escapism in the extreme.  It's a good time for imagination, visualization, or prayer.  Think charity.  Gather items for donation to a thrift store for the benefit of all. 

It has been a mellow day.  My mom is continuing her unique existence in Riverside.  I will call her tomorrow morning.  She has usually known who I was when I've called in the past.  I wonder if she will not know who I am one of these times.

I made it back to Riverside, where I was born, on Tuesday and Wednesday. What an intense experience that was.

I rented a nice new Chevy Impala so the ride was great with KLOS and A/C. But my eyesight isn't quite as good as it was and I missed some freeway and street signs so I had more of an adventure. Riverside is huge when one's used to li'l ol' SB. But it's every bit as pretty as I remember in the neighborhood where I lived 'til I was 7 and we moved. I made it past the old house, Fairmount Park, and Mt. Rubidoux. Our house was just up the hill from the park and we used to watch the fireworks over the lake from our balcony. Very fond memories.

And I had a visit with mom. I sat next to her bed for an hour the first day I arrived. She looked older, frail, but still like mom. She was happy about my visit. She lost her eyesight to glaucoma some years ago. I held onto her hand and just sat in a wheelchair next to her bed. It felt good just to be next to her. When the caregiver came to change her position, she was afraid she'd fall or they would be too rough. I told her to just hold on tight to my hands and arms, which she did. Then she dozed off again. And I sat. I just took it all in. Then the 'visions' came. Carl Jung apparently called hallucinations by elderly 'visionary experiences'. She referred to various people I knew and didn't know. Then she said she wanted "this one" to go. I asked if she meant me. She said yes. It's OK. I knew she didn't mean it personally.

Then I met one of my sisters there the next morning. By that time, I had decided to drive back home as soon as possible. The heat, or the smog, or the eyestrain from driving, or all three, got to me and I had a small-ish migraine coming on. Even with my migraine medication, I still felt it. Mom was sitting in a lounger in a larger room next to an air conditioner. She had complained about the noise from the air conditioner in her room the day before. She complained about this one, too. It was a shorter visit than the day before. My sister and I left to pick up some of her clothes and belongings from the assisted living home she had been in before the visit to the hospital.

Mom has a different kind of relationship with my sister than I have. I'm sure this is true for all families. I consider my mom as being my best friend and always there for me with unconditional love. She was not manipulating or controlling at all. Ever. To some, this might be called "detached". My older sisters felt she was always trying to get rid of them, telling them to go play outside. My brother has always been very close to her. She allowed me my freedom but had fun with me as a daughter.

When it was time for me to get on the road I left the room for a moment. I heard my mom cry out, "I just want to go home." I know she misses her home, but she can no longer live by herself, and now she needs full-time nursing care available. And hospice care. I'm not sure exactly what happened on Mother's Day before she began complaining of so much pain. She also can no longer swallow very well and has no appetite. She was complaining of labor pains. And she has talked about emotional situations which happened to her when she was a child. She has suspected her children and grandchildren of taking her things. I've heard of these symptoms of Alzheimer's but this is the first time I've witnessed it. Some say it is more difficult for the family than the sufferer.

This is tough. I lost an aunt, my mom's youngest sister, in December of 2008. My sister-in-law passed away in March because of a stroke. My mom could go any day. Or not. It is strange how they say deaths come in 3's. If you believe in prayer, maybe a wish for relief and peace for those suffering from Alzheimer's would be appropriate. If you don't, maybe a silent "I hope she finds peace" isn't too out of bounds for you. I think prayer helps whether you believe in it or not.

I pray for peace and comfort for everyone.